How am I supposed to feel? Where should I be at this age? What can bring me fulfillment? Achievement gives me fulfillment. Respect. . . and being a part of a community. I find making other people happy fulfilling. I like being appreciated. I like feeling valuable to others. I want to be special. I like to express my “special” ness. How? How can I let people know what’s going on in here?
I have been given inspiration by others. Musicians make me feel things. I sweat a little when I feel it. My senses light up a little and I get high. I feel a tiny piece of how alive they must feel when they hear their own voice and expression cutting out into the world. I want to make my cut. I want to cut open my own hard shell and let myself out. I feel so dormant and faded.
What would I ever do if I lost that part of myself? If I have ever dreaded something, I dread forgetting how to feel.
I feel angry.
I feel tingling on my skin.
I want to punch something.
But I also want to lay down and dream.
I want people to see who I am
. . . but that doesn’t make sense because I’m so private.
I want to create meaning.
Creativity and expression give me something to live for. Why do I feel so drugged about sharing myself though. Do I have anything to give? What difference can I make? I want to make waves.
. . . but even as I’m saying this I feel tired. I feel like I can’t. I feel damp.
How? How do I put myself in inspiration’s way? How do I call her out to find me? How do I shake hands with my dreams and make a deal? How do I make good on life’s promise? Is the question the destination? Is this process the art?
I believe in the process.
I’ve always loved the phrase, “Where do I go from here?” There’s a song with those lyrics. I feel people in music and I want to bond with them. I want to meet them where they met me. Where do I go from here? How do I meet them? How do I translate what it means to exist as me into a hearable, manifestable expression? Is anyone listening to hear? Or do I just need to do it, so I can hear my own voice?